something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
