I can text with my tongue
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
there is puke in my bra ... again
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
