As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
