I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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