I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
