Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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