he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
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I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
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I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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