i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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