sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
