The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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