you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
