I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
