There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
