I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
