Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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