Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
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I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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