gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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