so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
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He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
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When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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