I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize