it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
