Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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