I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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