Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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