3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
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Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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