Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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