You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
