i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
