Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
