Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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