WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
