Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
