sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
