Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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