I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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