I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
Love having children with random chicks
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
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I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog