The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
barbara walters just said penis...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
