no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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