when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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