No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
