There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
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