I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
worst night to have a conscience
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
