If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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