then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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