Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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