We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
