i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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