I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
