we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
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He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
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MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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