Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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