And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
