Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
