I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
