I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
