peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
