my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
