why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
